It's gone dark.

Yesterday driving home, I saw a sign up that said 'Utility Work Ahead' but didn't think much of it even when I passed by the big truck from the power company. That night Jim commented that all of the street lights were out. That's never happened before but since there is construction in the area, sometimes power goes out (usually during the day) so we didn't think anything more of it.

Tonight, I noticed the lights were still out but they were on in the neighborhood next to us so I called into the power company hotline. While I was on hold, I walked out to get the mail and found a letter from the home owner's association. Apparently the real estate company that did manage the subdivision up until the early part of January hadn't paid the bill to the tune of $1500 past due.

Our newly minted HOA officers are looking into options including using some of our yearly dues to help pay for it or having it partially managed by the county. What I want to know is how can the neighborhoods next to us still have their streetlights on when they have been sold back to the bank? Perhaps the builders associated with the subdivision are still paying the bill.

I know the builders in this subdivision haven't given up hope completely because they just finished four new houses. Of all the neighborhoods along our road, ours is the one that's the most filled in but it's still quiet at the model home, at least when I'm home.

We're still absolutely thrilled with this house and overall the neighborhood. I'm concerned what kind of construction may go on in the forest to our north since they cleared a lot of it but it's possible they were just logging as well. Some of it looks like spaces for home lots but I can't imagine they would want to put more houses on this road.

In the interim, we've turned on all our exterior lights and I've noticed many neighbors have done the same. We're not in a high crime area but it's a bit creepy just the same. One positive note is that even though the stars are very bright here all the time, now they are even brighter. Make your own light!

Occasional hypno-victory!

At work, when I see an opportunity to do something out of the norm, I pounce on it. Over the weekend, I had the fortune to work on a website for a recycled fashions store that specializes in retro wear. Their logo was a bit on the wild side and their current print advertisements didn't really lend well to how people read information on websites, i.e. typically not with a hot pink, swirly background.

One thing they really wanted though was an effect on their site so it looked like their logo was twirling or moving. They had supplied five different color versions of the logo so it was almost a no-brainer to set this up. Anyway, I had a lot of fun with it and relish the idea of working on another fun site soon.

The consultant got back to me today and said the advertiser really loved it it too so that was groovy. Beware the swirling logo!

Power of a name.

I've always been struck by the human activity of naming and classification. Doubtless language is constantly changing but we feel uncomfortable if we don't know what to call a thing. Other animals are content with taking a quick pee to mark territory so I can see how the human system has higher merits. At times though, those names and labels we give ourselves hold us back.

Part of this process of changing my lifestyle through mostly eating and exercise has been mental as well. When you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and tell yourself you are a fat person, then you are those pounds and many more added for guilty emphasis.

I got a catalog this week with beautiful, sporty clothes that I couldn't understand why the manufacturer couldn't make them for big people. I haven't been following it regularly, but I caught one episode of Ruby on the Style channel where she asked pretty much the same thing. Although, yes, I would rather not have to make my own clothes and would prefer buying normal sizes, why does that label -- PLUS -- stand for garish, flowery prints with pleats?

I am generalizing of course because I have built a collection over time of not garish, flowery clothes but I was just reminded of the contrast when I flipped through page after page of beautiful clothes for smaller people. These women were not sticks either and that was actually inspiration so I'm keeping this catalog.

This week my classification experiment is going to be to think 'athletic.' I'm changing my mind about who I am and everything else will follow.

Epiphany of time.

Perhaps its because yesterday was my birthday or because it's come up in the book I'm reading, but the question of why time doesn't flow backwards, only forwards came up in conversation with Jim yesterday. It came up as an offshoot to talking about the type of content he wanted to have on his new blog and I suggested the topic of time flow among other things.

I talked myself into a tangent because I believe both of us feel that time is an arbitrary measurement that is necessary for rules that have to be observed, like motion. It's rather silly to think about a physical action that doesn't have a length of time involved with it or that is measureable but if you elevate that to something that is say a discussion of the actions you live your life by, or more philosophical, then time loses it's meaning a bit.

That lead to a discussion about personality and consciousness because I had a bit of an insight the other day among all the new babies. All of us have a memory of when we can start to recall things as children. Jim can remember things very early; I start to have memories from when I was around five or six. My personality was pretty much set by the time I was seven and Jim agreed for himself too, stating that the things he thinks then are close to the things he thinks now.

When you see a baby, it really doesn't seem that aware and until it gets a bit older, it doesn't seem to have much personality. Why do we then believe that a consciousness has been dumped on that baby at the get-go? Why couldn't it be something that is doled out over time, and for some people they would get a bigger portion, especially if they were paying attention to it. This would explain why people who are deep thinkers have that capacity and why some ditzy people go through life never asking why.

Consciousness then becomes something that is perhaps trainable, similar to how you would exercise your muscles to take on more load or achieve better endurance. I know that the more I think about how my mind works beyond just the basics (which I believe are hardcoded, like the need to eat, sleep, etc.) the more it wants to think about those things.

The frustrating thing to me is that whenever it seems I'm close to a point of clarity about how my higher brain works, I'll get distracted by the hardcoded side which last night was hunger. For close to an hour though, Jim and I worked out new theories as to why we functioned the way we did and was that influenced by environment. It reminded me of some of the discussions I've been able to be a part of at college or at writer's conferences and I remarked that it was a bit sad that those sort of discussions didn't seem to be encouraged in this part of the world. I know thats a large statement but I meant in our circle of friends and certainly I don't hear a lot of deep thoughts going on at work (there is no time!).

So to bring the thought of time in a circle which I can only apparently do theoretically (at this point of my existence anyway), I would not want time to flow backwards. Can you imagine if all of a sudden it reversed like the poles sometimes flip-flop?

Perfect cobalt forever.

Sometimes days come along that you look back on and they were absolutely perfect in all the important ways. Today was an instant of blue skies with poofball clouds, minimal wind and just a touch of brisk that makes me love this area of the world when I know back in Kansas everything is still brown.

It seems that most days I drive to work in the dark, get outside for a handful of minutes but most of the sun is blocked by medium-sized buildings, scurry home as quickly as possible and on good days get to enjoy the rest of the evening with hubby and dog, but on not as good days just have to hug that hubby and find amusement (or do work I brought home). So on a day where I'm teleworking, I took every opportunity to absorb as much outside as I could and still managed to work like a pro.

I know the beginning of the year is always more optimistic but I didn't feel anxious or stressed today, just calm. It helped that I didn't have to be downtown and got to reflect on the huge blessings of having a house out in the country, on working towards good health, and being a part of a fantastic relationship with me hubby. We don't take a lot of naps together but I had made him get up early and go get a physical. I knew he was going to be in great health but we had made a promise to his mom last year and needed to follow through. He had to work tonight but before he left we just had the best snugglenap in the world.

I think that's the key to today; I felt like the cosmos was snugglenapping me all day letting me know that no matter what, things would be ok.

I took the Foo dog for a little walk but there were workers outside one of the new houses and he got wigged out. I try to work with him when he gets freaked out like that, making him sit and get calm but it's a slow process. I had to explain to some girls who were walking by why we were just standing in the road. I think overall he likes to walk though because when we got back he headed upstairs and cashed out on his red blanky.

I had a lunch of minestrone soup that I added some chicken breast and pine nuts to so that I would get my meat and fat in for that meal. I'm treating this nutritionist food plan like a prescription. I may have mentioned that before, oh well. It helps to repeat it!

My right ankle has been twingy since last night but I went ahead and did a 3 mile walk on the Leslie Sansone Walk Club online. I played back the 5k live webcast they did in November. Overall a lot of fun and once I got warmed up I forgot about my ankle. If it's still wonky tomorrow I'll wrap it and take a walking break.

Sadly I'm going to have to ditch the shoes I got recently that are super cute sporty looking slip-ons but they are killing my feet. That is one thing I don't mess around with; shoes have to be comfortable. You will be standing (that's the plan anyway) on your feet the rest of your life so might as well stand strong!

So tomorrow I will tackle all the overtime work I brought home. I want to do as much overtime as possible while it's available at work to try and get caught up from the debt we built up in the last part of 2008. I went through it all today just checking everything and it's not as bad as I thought. Maybe the politicians will stop bleeding money to banks and financially stimulate us regular folks...

Monday is my birthday. I will celebrate it by dancing. Join me! It is time on sprockets when we dance! Touch the Foo dog! RAWR!

3 miles closer to healthy.

Yesterday I felt super crummy and didn't even do a one mile walk, just slumped on the couch after dinner until I could make it into bed. I slept for an hour and then tried to do stuff but just felt so tired and hurty all over Jim talked me into getting back into bed. I ended up reading until just after midnight but I sipped on a huge cup of crushed ice with diet mountain dew the whole time and that helped my nauseous feeling go away.

The book I'm reading is Anathem by Neal Stephenson. I started it last year and got through the first part which I found vaguely interesting but a bit of a slog due to a lot of the made up language he was using. With all the time I had to wait for labwork earlier this week, I picked it back up and now I can hardly put it down. Once you get past the language issue, the story is very compelling and in true Stephenson style just keeps getting teased out like a tree root that doesn't know where to stop. More on that when I'm done with it but for now, a nice chewy read.

This morning I met with the nutritionist and after some analysis of how I've been eating, it seems that I'm mostly on the right track but need to deal with portions and also carbohydrate counting. After over a decade with hearing 'eat low fat' and the repercussions of that -- in fact I think our whole country is dealing with that -- retraining to think about a slightly different view is a nice challenge.

After an early nap, I got in an energetic 3 mile walk with the stretchie band. As soon as I finish up my telework, going to get a relaxing shower in and then back to the book! I have to go into the office tomorrow but then telework again on Friday.

Despite everything I could say about my job, I really appreciate the telework benefit. I know I have to work hard to get the maximum three days of telework but it is so worth it to me to not have to drive downtown every day.

This is the modern age, yes?

I know that a large part of how doctor's can diagnose what is happening with our bodies, or at least how they do it at this point in time, is to analyze your blood. What they don't tell you when your doctor schedules a bunch of different tests is that each one is going to require it's own vial of blood. Now, in theory, I imagine the diagnostics lab could probably get all of the information it needed from one vial but because they don't want to mix up test results, etc. they separate out everything like that.

When you sit at the chair and watch the technician take 9 vials though, that's when your thoughts turn to things like why isn't modern medicine more like Star Trek yet?

Gary Busey is my cheerleader.

I went to see an endocrinologist on Friday and was very happy with the initial meeting. I had been working with an endocrinologist in Kansas a long time ago and although I know they are still doctors, there is something about working with a specialist that makes you feel like you are getting better care for your specific issues. Its like knowing I can always use a regular hair brush but I gett better results for curly hair when I use a pick.

(An aside about health insurance and Kaiser Permanente...I wish that the company I worked at contributed or had them as a program because I am paying out of pocket however every experience I've had and all the benefits they offer have been completely worth it.)

One thing the doctor did say which stuck in my head was I needed to be more aggressive in my approach to eating and weight management/loss. An image popped up of when Gary Busey told a reporter he would tear the endocrine system from their body and behind him, a group of cheerleaders shouting "Be aggressive...B-E AGGRESSIVE!" My brain added the cheerleaders...

After having been aggressive with eating very early on (remember the fat and fiber plan from Weight Watchers?) and doing low-fat for a number of years...and then losing my gall bladder in the process...I got tired of following a diet. I'm just not very good at counting calories or measuring, etc. I know that modern plans give you the skills to estimate portions and for the most part I know what those equivalents are.

When it comes to food, I'm still trying to figure out what goes on in my head. Typically if I buy good food and snacks, I'll eat them. If I've had a particularly stressful day (pretty rare but sometimes my commute is stressful or if Jim has to work that night, that makes me stressed) when I get home really the last thing I want to do is cook. We've tried making our kitchen a place where we want to be because I know sometimes the issue is mental.

I think I just need to try more tactics so that I'm doing more food prep at the beginning of the week so I have no excuses. I have given some thought into some of the already prepared food services but I typically hate the taste of microwave meals and a lot of those plans you still have to do a lot of prep work anyway.

So later today I'm going to make a big list of everything, give myself some goals, and work out some of this aggression I need to have!