XXL in a medium world.

Why facets don't fascinate me.

2009-04-09T19:48:00.002-04:00

So I've plunged into a different world lately, one of wire gauges and understanding the difference between sterling and fine silver (and silverplated) and what tarnishes, what the heck gunmetal finish is, and that a nylon hammer won't flatten wire...it strengthens or straightens it. I've made a point to look at as much handmade jewelry as I can get my eyeballs in front of because I know what my style is but I love to see what bits of other styles might work with mine and what I don't like.

So what is the fascination with facets? Gems that are cut so they catch the light...they immediately turn me away. I've realized that my favorite bits of stone and whatnot are irregular i.e. sea glass and freshwater pearls but that I enjoy them most when they are embraced by wire swirls and logical arrangement. It's like the act of setting them makes them whole because they were never ugly to begin with.

I keep looking at faceted stones and surfaces, waiting for something to truly catch my fancy, but so far, I enjoy the opaque, the rough, the wobbly.

The importance of being careful.

2009-03-17T21:18:00.002-04:00

Monday morning on my way to work I was passed by a dude on a motorbike going way too fast. I assumed it was a dude because I have never seen a chick on that type of motorbike, the kind where you have to sit forward on it and it has big wheels that from a distance look bald.

It was raining that morning, raining buckets. When he passed me, I said out loud (because I talk to myself a lot), "that dude is going way too fast." Maybe on a straightaway or if it hadn't been raining, he would have been fine. I knew he was coming up to the giant hidden pothole on the entrance to the highway at the Glade Road exit on I-75.

I saw him wipeout completely in that giant hidden pothole, saw his bike mostly submerged in the water and watched all the rest of the cars pass him and not stop. I pulled over.

Now, a billion different things race through your head at six in the morning on a cold, rainy, very dark Monday: is he dead, is he hurt, is he drowning, is he pinned, does he have a gun, I can't do anything to help, what am I going to say, wow it's cold, my hair is still wet, did I lock my car so the homeless guys I've seen living in the woods by this exit don't get in my car, I hope Jim doesn't get mad that I'm doing this, what the heck am I doing.

By the time all those thoughts finished, I was standing next to the dude who had clambered out of the giant hidden pothole and was trying, unsuccessfully, to start up his bike.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I just wiped out in that giant hidden pothole!" He replied. He didn't take his helmet off but my brain immediately gave me a mental image of Bill or Ted having a bogus journey.

Now, I still can't believe this came out of my brain but it did so I have to take credit for it...

"Ya, that corner is a doozy!"

(I'm shaking my head and doing a mental face palm. Could I sound more like an old man in a rocking chair at that point?)

The dude tries to start his bike again but it's just not happening.

"Do you need a phone?" I ask.

"That would be great."

I hand him my phone and realize that it says 'Hello Bears' on the screen with a picture of Jim in his hoodie making a silly picture. Oh well. The dude is having some difficulty working the phone and it makes me realize that not everybody has a cellphone these days. He takes his glove off and I'm still trying to figure out how he's going to work it with his helmet on. While the phone is dialing (I had to tell him to hit the SEND button), he tries his bike again and this time it fires up. He hands me the phone back, awkwardly closing the display.

"I'm not sure how to turn it off."

"It's okay, I got it," I said. "You have a better day, okay?" I add before I start walking back to my car.

I hear him shout, "Bless you!"

I jog back to the car, shivering, realizing that it's really cold, really wet and I should have said, "Hey dumbass, next time it's raining and dark, maybe you shouldn't try that corner at fifty," but when you've just taken a dunk in that giant hidden pothole of life, the last thing you need is advice you already knew.

Why we aren't perfect.

2009-02-24T18:00:00.002-05:00

I enjoy several activities that may be unrelated for the outside observer: cleaning the house, planning meals, pulling weeds (or at least thinking about how to effectively get rid of them without a flamethrower). It never occurred to me until recently that these all have an aspect of improvement about them that never actually succeeds. The enjoyment comes from that brief moment where the act in it's end, seems complete.

The reality in the next moment is that nothing is ever perfect. The next day I always notice a dusty patch I missed or I don't follow what I planned to eat or the weeds are twice as bad (because invariably thinking about how to get rid of them doesn't actually do the deed).

Was there ever a moment of self-realization when we were young when we knew what we would be up against? Did it ever stop us from making messes, especially for our parents? Did it ever stop us from eating just two more cookies?

I think that's where part of my eating problem comes from, the fact that I know I will never be perfect so where is the harm going to come from. The thing is, I know where it leads and even less perfect is worse than reasonably normal. There is nothing wrong with having some squish on my body but there is something wrong with not being able to move. There is nothing wrong with a dusty patch I missed, but there shouldn't be so much dust that I can't breathe. A patch of chickweed I can overlook but a whole yard overrun will fetch me a letter from the homeowner's association. These are the observations that make us adults.

These are also the moments that trigger my brain that I'm finally full and I can stop gorging on cookies and to put a note on the fridge that we can no longer buy Chips Ahoy chunky peanut butter and chocolate cookies because they are too good.

Fresh start: go!

2009-02-04T22:46:00.003-05:00

My favorite type of chili is very simple -- lean ground beef with slight spice, pinto beans, chunks of canned tomato, kidney beans if I'm feeling beany, and a generous portion of shredded cheddar cheese. When it's fresh and hot, it really is delicious but pack it away for a couple days in the fridge and then reheat and then it's at it's finest. The key is to let it take a break.

I do this a lot in my life without really knowing it until I'm on the other side of the break.

One of the most important things I've learned about myself in the past decade is that I enjoy slow and simple. You can have the most complex anything (especially music) but unless my ears or eyes can pick apart the layers, I won't really feel it.

I decided a bit less than a decade ago that I wanted to write, so I did. I wrote two novel-length pieces of speculative fiction and had plans for more. I wrote a number of short stories, all either science fiction, fantasy, or an odd mixture of both (which now apparently is lumped into speculative fiction). I went to conventions, I was in a writing group, I wrote reviews for several publications, and I submitted my stuff to countless publishing houses and magazines (without success).

The beginning of my break coincided with the end of my first marriage. I thought I would use that summer (2003) to edit my second book, to really polish it and find a publisher. I got stuck in an endless cycle of 'it's not good enough' and I set it aside. I don't think I will ever revisit it because it's not who I am anymore and I don't ever think it's who I was. I think writing all that stuff was important though because I was writing.

Several things have come to mind in the interim. You always hear people saying to write what you know but honestly, I think I would rather write about what I like. One other thing is that I would get really discouraged that I was writing and submitting and getting rejected, that I would go into the bookstore and there would be rows and rows of just crap writing. I realized that even though those folks got published, I wasn't reading their books (and probably nobody else was either because all those books are still there) so it shouldn't matter.

So my brain let that congeal into knowing I want to write for myself about things I like.

I'm not saying that my writing is the best in the world because if you have any sort of intelligence at all, you realize that there will always be somebody stronger, smarter, faster...whatever, they are out there. The difference is timing, connections, and that amazing human trait to endure humiliation otherwise known as tenacity.

No guarantees I won't slip up and write a random story about the crazy dreams I have now and then (the one about the giant turtle who travels across galaxies comes to mind...) but I'm going to start with my small list of things I like, starting with paper. Results to be posted soon.

12 pounds, I hardly knew ye.

2009-02-03T16:36:00.002-05:00

Having been on a prescription food plan since early January and prescribing as much walking as my legs could handle, I discovered over the weekend that I have dropped 12 pounds since the first visit to the nutritionist. When the endocrinologist said to be more aggressive, my body was listening.

Now, oddly, this weight loss is too fast for me. I don't really want to do more than two pounds a week. I don't think I'm going to change much this month especially because I'm really enjoying the exercise, but if I have another huge loss in February I may want to consult with the nutritionist again.

I've scoured through my closet and I'm donating anything too big, too ugly, or that I never wore for whatever reason, to Goodwill. This includes a pair of jeans that last Friday literally fell off while I was walking through the kitchen. Hubby and I had a good laugh but I'm glad that didn't happen at work. I guess it would have been a funny story...

Also, this now means that I can officially play Wii Fit without breaking the balance board that comes with it. I plan on loading that up Friday night for sure unless I decide to go with Jim and meet some of his friends.

I've always been a bit afraid to go with him because I don't want to seem out of place, especially because I'm taller than he is. I realized that's pretty silly though and I think it would be fun to meet some of the folks he's always talking about.

It's gone dark.

2009-01-27T21:36:00.003-05:00

Yesterday driving home, I saw a sign up that said 'Utility Work Ahead' but didn't think much of it even when I passed by the big truck from the power company. That night Jim commented that all of the street lights were out. That's never happened before but since there is construction in the area, sometimes power goes out (usually during the day) so we didn't think anything more of it.

Tonight, I noticed the lights were still out but they were on in the neighborhood next to us so I called into the power company hotline. While I was on hold, I walked out to get the mail and found a letter from the home owner's association. Apparently the real estate company that did manage the subdivision up until the early part of January hadn't paid the bill to the tune of $1500 past due.

Our newly minted HOA officers are looking into options including using some of our yearly dues to help pay for it or having it partially managed by the county. What I want to know is how can the neighborhoods next to us still have their streetlights on when they have been sold back to the bank? Perhaps the builders associated with the subdivision are still paying the bill.

I know the builders in this subdivision haven't given up hope completely because they just finished four new houses. Of all the neighborhoods along our road, ours is the one that's the most filled in but it's still quiet at the model home, at least when I'm home.

We're still absolutely thrilled with this house and overall the neighborhood. I'm concerned what kind of construction may go on in the forest to our north since they cleared a lot of it but it's possible they were just logging as well. Some of it looks like spaces for home lots but I can't imagine they would want to put more houses on this road.

In the interim, we've turned on all our exterior lights and I've noticed many neighbors have done the same. We're not in a high crime area but it's a bit creepy just the same. One positive note is that even though the stars are very bright here all the time, now they are even brighter. Make your own light!

Occasional hypno-victory!

2009-01-21T21:16:00.002-05:00

At work, when I see an opportunity to do something out of the norm, I pounce on it. Over the weekend, I had the fortune to work on a website for a recycled fashions store that specializes in retro wear. Their logo was a bit on the wild side and their current print advertisements didn't really lend well to how people read information on websites, i.e. typically not with a hot pink, swirly background.

One thing they really wanted though was an effect on their site so it looked like their logo was twirling or moving. They had supplied five different color versions of the logo so it was almost a no-brainer to set this up. Anyway, I had a lot of fun with it and relish the idea of working on another fun site soon.

The consultant got back to me today and said the advertiser really loved it it too so that was groovy. Beware the swirling logo!

Power of a name.

2009-01-18T21:24:00.003-05:00

I've always been struck by the human activity of naming and classification. Doubtless language is constantly changing but we feel uncomfortable if we don't know what to call a thing. Other animals are content with taking a quick pee to mark territory so I can see how the human system has higher merits. At times though, those names and labels we give ourselves hold us back.

Part of this process of changing my lifestyle through mostly eating and exercise has been mental as well. When you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and tell yourself you are a fat person, then you are those pounds and many more added for guilty emphasis.

I got a catalog this week with beautiful, sporty clothes that I couldn't understand why the manufacturer couldn't make them for big people. I haven't been following it regularly, but I caught one episode of Ruby on the Style channel where she asked pretty much the same thing. Although, yes, I would rather not have to make my own clothes and would prefer buying normal sizes, why does that label -- PLUS -- stand for garish, flowery prints with pleats?

I am generalizing of course because I have built a collection over time of not garish, flowery clothes but I was just reminded of the contrast when I flipped through page after page of beautiful clothes for smaller people. These women were not sticks either and that was actually inspiration so I'm keeping this catalog.

This week my classification experiment is going to be to think 'athletic.' I'm changing my mind about who I am and everything else will follow.

Epiphany of time.

2009-01-13T08:40:00.002-05:00

Perhaps its because yesterday was my birthday or because it's come up in the book I'm reading, but the question of why time doesn't flow backwards, only forwards came up in conversation with Jim yesterday. It came up as an offshoot to talking about the type of content he wanted to have on his new blog and I suggested the topic of time flow among other things.

I talked myself into a tangent because I believe both of us feel that time is an arbitrary measurement that is necessary for rules that have to be observed, like motion. It's rather silly to think about a physical action that doesn't have a length of time involved with it or that is measureable but if you elevate that to something that is say a discussion of the actions you live your life by, or more philosophical, then time loses it's meaning a bit.

That lead to a discussion about personality and consciousness because I had a bit of an insight the other day among all the new babies. All of us have a memory of when we can start to recall things as children. Jim can remember things very early; I start to have memories from when I was around five or six. My personality was pretty much set by the time I was seven and Jim agreed for himself too, stating that the things he thinks then are close to the things he thinks now.

When you see a baby, it really doesn't seem that aware and until it gets a bit older, it doesn't seem to have much personality. Why do we then believe that a consciousness has been dumped on that baby at the get-go? Why couldn't it be something that is doled out over time, and for some people they would get a bigger portion, especially if they were paying attention to it. This would explain why people who are deep thinkers have that capacity and why some ditzy people go through life never asking why.

Consciousness then becomes something that is perhaps trainable, similar to how you would exercise your muscles to take on more load or achieve better endurance. I know that the more I think about how my mind works beyond just the basics (which I believe are hardcoded, like the need to eat, sleep, etc.) the more it wants to think about those things.

The frustrating thing to me is that whenever it seems I'm close to a point of clarity about how my higher brain works, I'll get distracted by the hardcoded side which last night was hunger. For close to an hour though, Jim and I worked out new theories as to why we functioned the way we did and was that influenced by environment. It reminded me of some of the discussions I've been able to be a part of at college or at writer's conferences and I remarked that it was a bit sad that those sort of discussions didn't seem to be encouraged in this part of the world. I know thats a large statement but I meant in our circle of friends and certainly I don't hear a lot of deep thoughts going on at work (there is no time!).

So to bring the thought of time in a circle which I can only apparently do theoretically (at this point of my existence anyway), I would not want time to flow backwards. Can you imagine if all of a sudden it reversed like the poles sometimes flip-flop?

Perfect cobalt forever.

2009-01-09T19:44:00.003-05:00

Sometimes days come along that you look back on and they were absolutely perfect in all the important ways. Today was an instant of blue skies with poofball clouds, minimal wind and just a touch of brisk that makes me love this area of the world when I know back in Kansas everything is still brown.

It seems that most days I drive to work in the dark, get outside for a handful of minutes but most of the sun is blocked by medium-sized buildings, scurry home as quickly as possible and on good days get to enjoy the rest of the evening with hubby and dog, but on not as good days just have to hug that hubby and find amusement (or do work I brought home). So on a day where I'm teleworking, I took every opportunity to absorb as much outside as I could and still managed to work like a pro.

I know the beginning of the year is always more optimistic but I didn't feel anxious or stressed today, just calm. It helped that I didn't have to be downtown and got to reflect on the huge blessings of having a house out in the country, on working towards good health, and being a part of a fantastic relationship with me hubby. We don't take a lot of naps together but I had made him get up early and go get a physical. I knew he was going to be in great health but we had made a promise to his mom last year and needed to follow through. He had to work tonight but before he left we just had the best snugglenap in the world.

I think that's the key to today; I felt like the cosmos was snugglenapping me all day letting me know that no matter what, things would be ok.

I took the Foo dog for a little walk but there were workers outside one of the new houses and he got wigged out. I try to work with him when he gets freaked out like that, making him sit and get calm but it's a slow process. I had to explain to some girls who were walking by why we were just standing in the road. I think overall he likes to walk though because when we got back he headed upstairs and cashed out on his red blanky.

I had a lunch of minestrone soup that I added some chicken breast and pine nuts to so that I would get my meat and fat in for that meal. I'm treating this nutritionist food plan like a prescription. I may have mentioned that before, oh well. It helps to repeat it!

My right ankle has been twingy since last night but I went ahead and did a 3 mile walk on the Leslie Sansone Walk Club online. I played back the 5k live webcast they did in November. Overall a lot of fun and once I got warmed up I forgot about my ankle. If it's still wonky tomorrow I'll wrap it and take a walking break.

Sadly I'm going to have to ditch the shoes I got recently that are super cute sporty looking slip-ons but they are killing my feet. That is one thing I don't mess around with; shoes have to be comfortable. You will be standing (that's the plan anyway) on your feet the rest of your life so might as well stand strong!

So tomorrow I will tackle all the overtime work I brought home. I want to do as much overtime as possible while it's available at work to try and get caught up from the debt we built up in the last part of 2008. I went through it all today just checking everything and it's not as bad as I thought. Maybe the politicians will stop bleeding money to banks and financially stimulate us regular folks...

Monday is my birthday. I will celebrate it by dancing. Join me! It is time on sprockets when we dance! Touch the Foo dog! RAWR!

3 miles closer to healthy.

2009-01-07T19:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I felt super crummy and didn't even do a one mile walk, just slumped on the couch after dinner until I could make it into bed. I slept for an hour and then tried to do stuff but just felt so tired and hurty all over Jim talked me into getting back into bed. I ended up reading until just after midnight but I sipped on a huge cup of crushed ice with diet mountain dew the whole time and that helped my nauseous feeling go away.

The book I'm reading is Anathem by Neal Stephenson. I started it last year and got through the first part which I found vaguely interesting but a bit of a slog due to a lot of the made up language he was using. With all the time I had to wait for labwork earlier this week, I picked it back up and now I can hardly put it down. Once you get past the language issue, the story is very compelling and in true Stephenson style just keeps getting teased out like a tree root that doesn't know where to stop. More on that when I'm done with it but for now, a nice chewy read.

This morning I met with the nutritionist and after some analysis of how I've been eating, it seems that I'm mostly on the right track but need to deal with portions and also carbohydrate counting. After over a decade with hearing 'eat low fat' and the repercussions of that -- in fact I think our whole country is dealing with that -- retraining to think about a slightly different view is a nice challenge.

After an early nap, I got in an energetic 3 mile walk with the stretchie band. As soon as I finish up my telework, going to get a relaxing shower in and then back to the book! I have to go into the office tomorrow but then telework again on Friday.

Despite everything I could say about my job, I really appreciate the telework benefit. I know I have to work hard to get the maximum three days of telework but it is so worth it to me to not have to drive downtown every day.

This is the modern age, yes?

2009-01-05T12:21:00.004-05:00

I know that a large part of how doctor's can diagnose what is happening with our bodies, or at least how they do it at this point in time, is to analyze your blood. What they don't tell you when your doctor schedules a bunch of different tests is that each one is going to require it's own vial of blood. Now, in theory, I imagine the diagnostics lab could probably get all of the information it needed from one vial but because they don't want to mix up test results, etc. they separate out everything like that.

When you sit at the chair and watch the technician take 9 vials though, that's when your thoughts turn to things like why isn't modern medicine more like Star Trek yet?

Gary Busey is my cheerleader.

2009-01-03T09:23:00.002-05:00

I went to see an endocrinologist on Friday and was very happy with the initial meeting. I had been working with an endocrinologist in Kansas a long time ago and although I know they are still doctors, there is something about working with a specialist that makes you feel like you are getting better care for your specific issues. Its like knowing I can always use a regular hair brush but I gett better results for curly hair when I use a pick.

(An aside about health insurance and Kaiser Permanente...I wish that the company I worked at contributed or had them as a program because I am paying out of pocket however every experience I've had and all the benefits they offer have been completely worth it.)

One thing the doctor did say which stuck in my head was I needed to be more aggressive in my approach to eating and weight management/loss. An image popped up of when Gary Busey told a reporter he would tear the endocrine system from their body and behind him, a group of cheerleaders shouting "Be aggressive...B-E AGGRESSIVE!" My brain added the cheerleaders...

After having been aggressive with eating very early on (remember the fat and fiber plan from Weight Watchers?) and doing low-fat for a number of years...and then losing my gall bladder in the process...I got tired of following a diet. I'm just not very good at counting calories or measuring, etc. I know that modern plans give you the skills to estimate portions and for the most part I know what those equivalents are.

When it comes to food, I'm still trying to figure out what goes on in my head. Typically if I buy good food and snacks, I'll eat them. If I've had a particularly stressful day (pretty rare but sometimes my commute is stressful or if Jim has to work that night, that makes me stressed) when I get home really the last thing I want to do is cook. We've tried making our kitchen a place where we want to be because I know sometimes the issue is mental.

I think I just need to try more tactics so that I'm doing more food prep at the beginning of the week so I have no excuses. I have given some thought into some of the already prepared food services but I typically hate the taste of microwave meals and a lot of those plans you still have to do a lot of prep work anyway.

So later today I'm going to make a big list of everything, give myself some goals, and work out some of this aggression I need to have!

Last day of the year.

2008-12-30T21:28:00.003-05:00

I am a silly, emotional person trapped in a logical brain. There, I've admitted what you all know already. I spent the evening looking at old photos, laughing once or twice (especially at the amount of photos of my old black kitteh) and dropping a few tears for people gone or at things that don't exist anymore.

Something about your mid-30s changes a person though. It's that wonderful transition from thinking you know everything to really not caring that you don't and not really being in any hurry to find out because you know it will all reveal as needed (but knowing that you absolutely need comfortable shoes).

So I can't really get too sad about my old house in Kansas although when I saw the photos of the pile of wood that it was through all the phases of it being built, I sobbed uncontrollably for all the memories that I had locked away. It's funny to think of that house as being small because at the time it was so overwhelming and new. The photos of the year I really went crazy with Christmas made me laugh though because I learned such a valuable lesson: what goes up must come down (but I think it got left up until March...)

I've reinvented myself on numerous occasions. Spring will always be my favorite season and the smell of it is almost out there. I took the Foo dog for a spin outside and everything is just poised, waiting to fall over into the next year. Even the moon was a tiny sliver with just enough grace to show but not enough to steal the sky.

In celebration of memories and photos yet to come, here's a fantastic shot from Blackrock Mountain in north Georgia.

Overheard!

2008-12-30T16:19:00.002-05:00

I had sent e-mail to the gents who do the Stop Podcasting Yourself (SPY) show because they are always looking for funny "overheard" segments. An overheard is when you come into a conversation at an awkward moment or just overhear something completely out of context and it makes it hilarious.

Earlier this year I was at one of the baby showers for one of the impending pregnant folk in the Paradiso clan, Julie I think. I was sitting next to another impending pregnant folk (Casie) who also heard the overheard and we had a good laugh.

From the kitchen we hear from Susan (Jim's mom), "No, that's the bad nipple!"

Casie and I looked at each other and then back at Susan. It turns out she was preparing a bottle of formula for one of the other babies and a notorious and faulty plastic nipple had been snagged by mistake.

Anyway, the SPY gents thought it was funny too and said to listen for it on an upcoming podcast...

Best of 2008

2008-12-29T04:48:00.002-05:00

I'm typically not a fan of year-end lists or countdown shows but I started to analyze why and couldn't really think of a reason. In fact, the more I started to think about it, I thought it might be a good way to close out the year with a positive feeling and prepare for 2009 without doing resolutions. To that end, here is my personal list of the Best of 2008 really in no particular order but numbered for ease of reading:

Ending the year in better health than the beginning.
Being married to my soul mate and a wonderful man. Although it stinks that because our work schedules are now very different, it just means the time we get to spend together has to be better in return.
Being continuously employed at a company that despite everything allowed us to buy a house at the beginning of the year. (And the despite everything is the subject of another blog someday when I'm feeling complainey.)
Finding socks that energized my whole body. Silly to put socks on a Best Of list you say? Go buy some Under Armor socks with the stretchy part around the middle and then get back to me. As I get older, my feet become more important!
Discovering podcasts. My favorites include: Common Sense with Dan Carlin, FootStompin.com Scottish Music Podcast, Music For Midnight, PODRUNNER, Spacemusic hosted by *TC* (and not just because one of my pieces was featured on episode 3.9), Stop Podcasting Yourself, Tapestry of The Times, Techtronic Sound, Ultima Thule Ambient Music, and The Woodsongs Old Time Radio Hour. These are all free from iTunes and you don't need an iPod to listen to them on your computer.
Starting a blog. I actually thought of this blog title a number of years ago but never felt like what I had to say was important enough to get it down but I've realized I don't write for other people. If it's not important enough to say to myself, we're in real trouble.
Finally being diagnosed with something that makes sense for all the symptoms I've had for over a decade and getting medicine that seems to be really helping it. If you are a woman who has had continual problems with weight, menstrual difficulties, abdominal pain, depression, and more (there are a ton of symptoms), I highly recommend you read up on Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and ask your doctor to run the blood and other tests to find out if you do.
Breaking my addiction to ice cream by understanding why I craved it so badly. I'll tell that story soon but what a great epiphany. I'm now able to have ice cream in the house, eat normal portions of it, and in fact if I have more than about 3/4 a cup it's too much.

I'm sure I'll think of more later but there is always time to reflect on the good that happens to us, not just at the end of the year.

The importance of always moving forward.

2008-12-28T09:59:00.002-05:00

I think many people are very negative and it's difficult for me to spend any amount of time with them. When I think about people who were my friends in the past, they tended to be people who I believe were using my positive energy and outlook to feel better about their situations or personality types. I think about people who I liked and thought were inspirational and they weren't necessarily the coolest people, but they were always active and in retrospect, always moving forward.

Because this past year has revolved so much around my health and becoming more active or just coping with junk that comes up (like a hubby losing his job), I've struggled the last two months with depression. Sometimes you don't realize it until you are on the other side of it though and I only realized it in the last two weeks.

I had been doing outrageously well with working out and eating. All of a sudden everything changes and I just turned into a slug. I've only truly retreated into old eating habits two or three times though and the good work that I did earlier in the year helped so that I haven't completely ruined all my progress i.e. my clothes still fit.

For being a quick observer in so many other aspects of my life, when it comes to depression, sometimes I'm slow to realize what is going on. Jim also told me in the last two weeks he thinks losing his job hurt him more than he thought. I knew it would but it's hard to say that to someone when you know they just have to figure it out.

Of course it doesn't help that this time of year is cloudy, rainy, and just blah. I tell you what though, one of the things that I have really grown to love about Georgia is that the winters aren't nearly as harsh as Kansas. Lots of pine trees and other year-round greens make the landscape just a tad colorful, enough to cling to until everything starts to refresh at the end of February.

So I'm taking a Vitamin D supplement based on an article in the Scientific American earlier this year (and the advice of my sister who had visited a nutritionist and told her the same thing) so we'll see if that helps any. I don't expect it to affect any depression from the result of being whiney about changes in my life but if it can help lessen the seasonal blues I typically have from the lack of sunshine, that would be nice.

This week I'm starting a multi-week challenge through the Leslie Sansone Walk at Home program. If you dislike going outside to workout and want something that is gentle enough to do by yourself or challenging if you want it to be, I highly recommend her walks. When I first tried one I thought, 'how can walking in place be a workout?' but its more than that.

Walking reminds me that my body isn't broken and can be repaired. It reminds me to keep looking and moving forward but at the same time to enjoy the trip.

On holidays and eating.

2008-12-26T13:12:00.003-05:00

The end of the year seems to be a difficult time for people who struggle with their weight or who are on constant diets. They feel like they shouldn't have a good time so they just add stress and do you know what your body does when it is stressed? Mine likes to help me by turning what I eat into fat...

I did pretty well yesterday in just trying a little bit of everything (and the night before at Tina's party) but I did have to go back for more beef brisket. We made big plates to take home and that saved money and was delicious too.

Today I've convinced Jim to go to the grocery store with me (after I take him out for a quick Mexican lunch) because he's been complaining that there is never anything that he wants to eat in the house. He did eat my Kashi Moroccan curry that I had bought so that's when I knew he really must have been hungry.

He's noticed that because our schedules are different, he won't eat anything until he gets to work and then will put in a hard night and then binge eat when he gets home. It hasn't been so bad this last week because I didn't even go to the grocery store because I knew we would be doing a lot of holiday things.

Mom gave me some great books at Thanksgiving though and I read through the Glucose Revoluation one in the last couple of days which I thought was much more insightful than the G.I. Diet Express one I had picked up. Although a color-coding system is helpful I think the thought of truly limiting yourself against foods tends to set up a very negative method in your head.

I equate that to something Jim's mom said to me about her last two weeks on the Atkin's diet. She said she was very faithful to the diet for two weeks and lost 6 pounds. Then with three days or normal eating all those pounds came back. She said she felt so much better when she just let herself have things like chocolate.

Living is always a struggle and living well is even more difficult but it is worth it! I'm going to keep coming back to something I thought of earlier this year and try and hold everything against it: Eat better, eat less, move more, and relax!

Favorite memories of my grandmother.

2008-12-23T19:24:00.000-05:00

I thought about writing down my favorite memories of my grandmother the week she died but every time I would start, I had to stop. Now that a tiny bit of time has passed, remembering is easier. Some of these I thought of when talking to my sister at the funeral; some I just remembered this week.

I can't recall the first specific memory of my grandmother, who I called grandma Ben, because she had hair sort of like Ben Franklin. I don't think anybody except my ex-husband Scott knew that. He may have actually coined that phrase but I thought it was endearing and it stuck.

I realized at the funeral that grandma helped with the money to buy our first piano when I was five. I told my sister that we should be the ones playing music for her but she of course was right when she said we wouldn't have been able to do it.

I remember going out to her farm during the summer, playing in the very tall grass, catching lightning bugs in a mason jar and that they got loose during the night and were making light patterns on the ceiling. We hadn't caught very many so we didn't worry about catching them again.

I remember her showing us how beehives worked and how she got honey out of the combs. I remember her cutting off a piece of honey-laden comb for us to chew on. I don't ever remember getting stung by any bees.

I did get stung by a wasp once but it was stuck in a window or a blind and fell on my hand. It hurt badly but grandma told me it would feel better in awhile and she may have put some salve on it. That memory is pretty vague.

In the same building she had all her bee equipment, she had a couple rooms filled with discarded food boxes that she would use for rebates. I remember the whole family really got into rebates for awhile. I always thought that was something that was a bit old-fashioned and maybe something she had done when times were really rough but then who doesn't like getting back a buck or two?

I remember one winter she had a bunch of chicken eggs and they were in an incubator for a long time and then they hatched and she had a room bursting with chicks. We had to be careful where we stepped. I think later that year I helped (or tried anyway) to catch one and got to keep a foot. I remember thinking how crazy the chicken looked when it ran around in the yard without a head. I remember taking that foot home and keeping it in the fridge for a couple of days and showing my sister how the toes moved when you pulled the talons. I don't think mom let me keep it very long but it was kind of a nasty thing to have in the fridge.

I remember grandma tried to make pizza one time, this probably would have been when we were getting a bit older. It was pretty healthy tasting which meant we probably didn't like it much...but I don't remember not eating it. I think we would have gone to bed without eating if we had done something like that. That might have been the start of me not liking peppers or onions though.

I remember she always kept a tube of vitamin E for lips in her purse. It always felt nice and didn't make your lips sticky like gloss.

I remember going to the Powell Gardens for one Mother's Day. That was fairly recent and may have been during the spring when Scott and I broke up. I loved going to gardens with her because she knew about everything or could tell you about it. I always wanted to know that much about plants but knew I didn't have the patience for it.

I remember the peonies she had at her farm in the spring and how they would have big ants on them. The flowers would be so big too.

The only time I remember making my grandma upset was when I was maybe six or seven. I think my sister and I were riding in her car and it was raining heavily. I kept singing loudly, "rain, rain, go away, come again some other day." She gently asked me to stop and I did because I knew she meant it.

My mom told me something about an afghan I had made that was really out of control huge. It was a salmon and sage color in alternating stripes. I think it was bigger than a king-size bed. I don't really remember why I made it so big but I think I probably just used big knitting needles and didn't measure anything. I started with a pattern so just followed it to the end. It wasn't good for much but taking up space so mom was going to give it to the Goodwill or something but grandma said she wanted it because I had made it.

If I ever disappointed her or made her unhappy I don't recall. I don't have a very good memory sometimes. I know I didn't get to thank her enough for all the help she gave to me over the years, sometimes without me knowing. This last Thanksgiving though, she gave my husband Jim and I some money that definitely helped us out more than I got to tell her.

Times are tough all around but as my friend Justa said to me, we never really lose people, they are just watching over us now. Although I don't believe in heaven, I know that my grandma made a huge enough dent in my reality that her energy will always inspire and guide me.

I was very thankful I was able to go back for the funeral. I got to say thank you one last time and even though I couldn't hug my grandma any more, I knew she knew I loved her and understood.

Truck jerks, a sliding scale.

2008-12-22T17:42:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about the type of people who drive trucks, especially here in Georgia. I noticed while back in the Kansas City area that there are significantly less SUVs and trucks on the road. Whether it is a Southern thing, or a jerk thing, or both, I'm not 100% sure.

I have come up with a sliding scale to determine whether or not a particular truck that is about to run me down will perhaps spare me.

If you have any sort of truck, give yourself a base score of 50.

If you have any sort of aftermarket modification such as extra chrome, custom wheels, extra antennas, or fancy paint job you can add 10 points for each modification. The only exception is if you've had the bed sprayed with a protective lining because that just shows common sense.

If your truck has more than four wheels, has an extended cab, or if the wheels are lifted in any way add 10 points each.

Add 5 points for each decal celebrating your love of Nascar, Calvin pissing on Ford or Chevy, the fact that you are a bowhunter, or that your truck enjoys a particular brand of parts.

Add 5 points if you have a vanity license plate, are from Florida or Alabama, or if you are from Georgia if you have the "protect wildlife" plate which I call the patriotic plates because of the bald eagle over the American flag. I think they actually require trucks to have that one...

Now I've heard that white is the most common color for any car and considering most of the truck jerks have white trucks it's hard for me to penalize for color. That being said, add 5 points if you have a red truck or any sort of flames, camouflage, or wildlife imagery.

For those responsible drivers, knock off 10 points if you are hauling anything in the bed of your truck or a trailer. You are using your truck as intended.

Knock off 5 points if your truck is dirty! A clean truck is a sign of an idle jerk.

That's about all that comes to mind. Next time you are out tooling around in your jerkmobile, consider the little people and cut us some slack!

Ow, my tummeh.

2008-12-21T17:54:00.000-05:00

I had been keeping a blog over at diet.com since March of this year but I began to dislike the amount of advertising they had on their site plus I always felt like things I wrote needed to be food or diet-related. While a large portion (haha) of what I talk about may be food related, my XXL-ness needed to break out, hence the start of this blog.

I often feel that the end of the year is a wasted time and mentally I can't get started on anything until that near year gets started. I know that's stupid and I'm trying to break out of that this time. I don't do New Year resolutions but since the week my grandmother died, I've been thinking a lot about how I've not being doing anything with my life.

That's not wholly true; I've been working and I've been playing World of Warcraft (it's own form of work). I decided yesterday in a fit of boredom that I was done and cancelled my account, uninstalled the game, unsubscribed from all my WoW podcasts, and called it done.

The first thing I did this morning was clean and organize my office. It felt really good to get rid of all the junk mail piles, the random food bits from late night playing sessions, and the dog furballs accumulating under my chair where he was looking for random food bits. It wore me out because I was actually doing something other than sitting in my chair running around a fake (but beautiful) world doing fake things with fake money.

I tie my experience in WoW a lot to my current job, a website designer for Yellowpages.com through Technisource. Because it is advertising, I sit in my chair rushing to meet my productivity numbers to develop alluring lures for various companies to cause their clients to spend money. I guess it's not a fake (but corporate) world with fake money but my brain sees the correlation.

A few things happen to me when I get obsessed about projects and the first is that I stop taking care of myself i.e. eating well or exercising (and sometimes to the point of bad clothing and bad hair). So when I take on a new job I tend to get overwhelmed with trying to learn everything I can to excel in the position and it's only when I master it do I realize that I forgot to brush my teeth for a couple days or the jacket I'm wearing has a big food stain. I am exceeding my production goals though!

So after sitting all day at work obsessing, I was coming home and sitting all night obsessing about my WoW character. After four years, the fat excess around my midsection has grown sizeable and I've been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome and insulin resistant. I'm not blaming my lifestyle but it has been a contributing factor.

I think about my health this year and my upcoming birthday and I'm in a much healthier state of being than last year so overall we're going to call that a success. I'm very much looking forward to being able to look back next year and have even more incremental success. I always want to be improving...my life, my body is my character that I have to obsess about and improve.